


This Light That Burns Cannot Ever Be Mine

by Floatinglonewanderer



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: s03e21-22 Zero Hour, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:02:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28741455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floatinglonewanderer/pseuds/Floatinglonewanderer
Summary: Ex-Imperial Agent Kallus has been detained and held prisoner since his rescue from Atollon with no contact from the Ghost or any news of his fate at the hand of the Rebels.Despair crept into his heart and firmly took root.This day, he would drift away.... Or at least try to
Relationships: Alexsandr Kallus/Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, The Ghost Crew & Kallus | ISB-021
Comments: 11
Kudos: 65





	This Light That Burns Cannot Ever Be Mine

**Author's Note:**

> So uh... TW//
> 
> This is based off of a really bad depression episode I had a few months back. I had lost all hope and wanted to die, but I didn't want to cause any lasting harm if I intended to try but failed.
> 
> So... I tried to will myself away.
> 
> I was alone, but thankfully, Kallus won't be.

In the dark, Kallus was content to remain so no one would be tainted by his presence. It hurt to see the light for multiple reasons that could could almost be wrapped up in a nice little package of light sensitivity. He didn't want to see the light of the Ghost that rescued him over Atollon and he didn't want to see the light of the corridors of the new Rebel Base on Yavin.

He certainly couldn't bear to look at the light of those around him.

And so, Kallus adopted a schedule where he slept in his cell during the day unless he was needed and stayed awake when the lights dimmed in the cells around him. He'd wake to food left over from what ever meal he skipped over. The food was a surprise, not being typical ration bars that he lived off of while in the Empire. There were fresh fruits and vegetables, meat, and sometimes soup when he'd ask for something light on his stomach.

He was not used to being full.

This time there was a container of dark green leafy vegetables, a meiloorun, as well as bone soup and blue mangoo juice. His favorite meal, so far.

And yet... Once again... He could not eat it.

For the past few weeks Kallus could only manage a single bite of food per meal, only eating the bare minimum of the lightest foods. The last time he ate a full meal was a while ago now and... Well, he supposed it showed now that one of his guards entered his cell to try and coax him to eat. They must've noticed he was awake.

Joke's on them. He had no energy to do more than that.

Today is the day he would will himself to pass. It'll work this time... After his guard quits trying to feed him.

"Come on," the yellow zabrak guard said, not unkindly. "You're skin and bones at this point. At least keep your strength up for the morning 'cuz I heard the Ghost was coming back."

The Ghost, huh? Kallus hasn't asked about them since the second week he was detained. They don't care about him. It was laughable to even imply that the Ghost crew would visit _him_. No, that's just more motivation to finish it all today. He'll drink some soup and the guard will leave, for starters.

His body felt like lead, but he barely, _just_ _barely_ managed to sit up on the cot he was provided and stared at the tray of food that guard was now holding. He ought to take it from them. He really should... But the only thing Kallus could manage was to stare at the damned bowl of soup that wouldn't just magically appear in his ha--

_Oh_.

The guard put the soup in his hand. That was... Nice, he supposed.

"Thank you," the human whispered while bringing the now lukewarm soup to his lips. The taste was... Good. As always. He tried not to drink it all, but it disappeared before he knew what happened.

The guard seemed pleased at least.

"You did good, Kallus." They were smiling. 'Stop smiling, you smug bastard,' Kallus thought almost irritably. 'There's nothing you can to make me--' "Do you think you can handle anything else? Maybe those spincha leaves? You like those."

Well... Maybe a few leaves won't hurt.

Before he knew it, Kallus had finished the tray of food and actually felt like he had energy. He didn't know whether or not he should be worried about that, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying.

The guard had given him a reassuring pat on the shoulder before they left the cell, taking the now empty tray with them. Once the door closed, Kallus allowed himself to lay down again, as if he was going to sleep again.

He wasn't.

He was going to will himself away, if it was even possible. It was the only thing that felt right, however.

Closing his eyes Kallus began to slow his breathing, almost like in meditation. With each exhale, he imagined his energy flowing out of him, draining him just as he had hoped for.

Soon, he wouldn't be able to open his eyes.

Soon, he wouldn't even _breathe_.

For hours, Kallus drifted off like this. His chest barely rose with each breath, and those were few and far between. He was on the verge of unconsciousness, but it was taking longer than planned to get there. That was probably due to the food he ate, but that was no matter.

Soon he would be ready to finally let go.

Before he finally lost consciousness, there was a clamouring of voices nearing his cell. They sounded familiar... And they seemed to be calling his name, but that was impossible. Even if it was them, it was too late now. 

Everything was finally, _finally_ , black...

* * *

Everything was white.

Everything was a burning, blinding, white light. 

_And insufferably loud, Holy Maker!_

When Kallus came to, he found that he couldn't move. His body had been severely weakened from apparently 2 months of barely eating and... What he tried to do just a few days prior.

To his surprise, it was Bridger that he woke up to. The boy was meditating beside him, the rest of his crew talking amongst themselves in a corner of the medbay and casting worried glances in their direction and... Well. Kallus couldn't fathom why. 

Bridger had given him the general gist of it when he was awake enough to process anything. It turns out that Kallus, through sheer force of will, almost managed to successfully detatch his spirit from his body, despite not being force-sensitive or inclined. Both he and Kanan had reached out to bring him back, but it had taken days to do so, taking shifts as they did.

Zeb was apparently worried sick about him. And Hera, and Sabine and even Chopper were concerned.

All of the Ghost cared about what happened to him. 

They cared... And Kallus had nearly thrown it all away for a weakness he'd never known he'd crumble for.

Bridger was merciful enough not to comment when tears began to fall from Kallus' eyes. It started off slowly, all the feelings he buried for so long rising to the surface like magma and bursting like a volcano. 

Kallus cried.

He cried and cried with no control of himself, no barrier inside or out to stop the torrent of memories and emotions. He sobbed harder than he ever did as a child, when everything was so large and terrifying to him. He wailed when he felt the hands of the Ghost tentatively touch him with warm, gentle hands, and he weeped when one familiar, gravely voice whispered to him.

"It's alright, Kal. We're here."

'I suppose I was wrong after all,' Kallus mused to himself after his tears dried, surrounded by the Ghost Crew and their embrace. 'Maybe I can believe that the light is for me, as well.'

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far. I wrote this kinda haphazardly, but it has given be a semblance of closure at least. 
> 
> I've gotten better since then. I was just going through a rough time, but I should be okay now. If you made it this far, thank you. It means a lot, and I hope you enjoyed this fic.


End file.
